Why We Miscommunicate Even When We Say the Right Words

And How the Self-Perception Matrix Helps Us See More Clearly

We’ve all been in situations where a conversation spirals out of control—despite our best intentions.

You choose your words carefully. You explain yourself. You try to stay calm.

And still, something breaks. A colleague shuts down. A project stalls. Tension lingers.

Miscommunication at work (or home) is often blamed on poor wording, unclear expectations, or cultural gaps.

But what if something deeper is at play?

What if most breakdowns don’t happen because of what we say—but because of how we see each other?

👁️‍🗨️The Invisible Frame of Mindset

Before we speak a word, something is already shaping the conversation:

➡️ Our mindset toward the other person.

Do I trust them? Do I feel safe? Am I afraid of rejection, shame, or blame?

These unspoken stances—our way of being—create an emotional undercurrent.

And others pick up on that, often more than the words we speak.

You can say:

“Of course, I’m happy to support you.”

…from a place of care—or from a place of resentment, condescension, or fear of conflict.

The words are the same. The experience isn’t.

👉 It’s not just the phrasing—it’s the emotional distortion behind it.

🧠The Lenses That Distort Our View

This is where the Self-Perception Matrix comes in.

It identifies three subconscious lenses that distort how we see ourselves and others—

and quietly shape how we behave in conversations:

1. 🟠The Superiority Lens

“I know better. Others are unreliable or not seeing the full picture.”

From here, we may overcontrol, interrupt, or dismiss—even without meaning to.

It communicates: “You’re not quite on my level.”

2. 🔵The Inferiority Lens

“I’m not good enough. I don’t belong here.”

This makes us withdraw, play small, or avoid speaking up.

We feel overlooked—even when no one intends to exclude us.

3. 🟡The Recognition Lens

“I need to be seen and appreciated to feel safe or worthy.”

We overgive, seek validation, or censor ourselves to preserve harmony.

We might overfunction to maintain approval—and then feel resentful when it’s not reciprocated.

💥 Each lens creates a loop:

• Superiority → Others resist or retreat.

• Inferiority → Others overlook us.

• Recognition → Others stop noticing the effort.

The very behavior meant to protect us… becomes the thing that reinforces the problem.

🔍Where the Lenses Come From

These aren’t personality flaws.

They’re adaptive strategies—ways we’ve learned to avoid emotional pain, often since childhood or early professional life.

But they stem from something deeper:

⚠️ Unresolved internal conflict.

We carry needs we don’t know how to name or meet.

To avoid feeling them, we shift focus outward:

We see others in ways that justify our behavior and “blame” them for how we feel.

When we stop owning our internal experience, the lens thickens.

We stop seeing people—and start interacting with our fears.

🧘‍♂️The Way Through: Own Your Needs

The only way to clear the lens is from the inside out.

That means asking:

• 👉 What is alive in me right now?

• 👉 What do I need to say or do?

• 👉 Am I willing to take responsibility for expressing it honestly?

This is the missing piece in most communication strategies:

They teach you what to say—but not how to be.

My own turning point:

I used to tell myself stories about all the “sacrifices” I made for others.

And how they were “ungrateful.”

But in truth, I was operating from the Recognition Lens. I:

• Suppressed my needs

• Overfunctioned

• Anticipated others’ emotions before they even spoke

And silently… I waited to be acknowledged.

When that didn’t come, I felt hurt, disconnected, unseen.

The real question was:

Why am I doing this? What do I actually need?

It wasn’t about praise.

It was about giving myself permission to be fully human—with others present.

That shift—to listen to my own needs and act from there—can change everything.

💡A Question for You

Think of a recent interaction that left you frustrated, hurt, or misunderstood:

• 🧩 What lens might you have been seeing through?

• 🤐 What was your internal conflict?

• 💭 What deeper need was unspoken?

• 🎯 What would change if you named that need—and took responsibility for it?

This isn’t about judgment.

It’s about freedom.

Because when we stop projecting—we start connecting.

💬Let’s Talk (For Real)

If you’re a team leader, HR professional, or business owner, and you want more than tips—you want transformation—let’s talk.

I work with organizations to:

• 🌱 Reveal the invisible dynamics shaping culture

• 🧭 Guide leaders to act with clarity and presence

• 🤝 Help teams build trust and emotional safety

📩 kostas.chatzoglou@syndesisnow.com

Let’s create workplaces where people are seen—clearly.